The Baffled King
Sometimes, infact near all times; I have no idea who I am. I'm not sure who I'm trying to be let alone who I indeed am or appear to others. I try to hard to act tough, not tough in a typical sense, but rather emotionless when it comes to things I should be emotional about. I'm almost certain this is due to the history during childhood of being an easy target for bullies. I used to get really shaken up by what people said to me until about year 10 (I think it was). This was around about the point where I started standing up for myself and didn't take a shove and walk away. I stood my ground and I was left alone, until after school that day when I was ambushed by 10-15 people because i didnt take one guys shit. Got a few decent cuts on my face from the bastards ring too.
I think it was worth it.
Not because it stopped the bullying, it didn't. Not because they got in shit and I think the guy with the ring got suspended. It was worth it because in the years to follow i've learnt than life is like that. Almost everyone is a dick. Everyone (myself included) makes others feel worse about themselves in order to gain some kind of praise amongst peers or to make them feel superior.
It seems I may have trailed off on a tangent far from where I started.
Perhaps it isn't as far off course as I thought. I think I perhaps feel the way I do because I feel like there is a certain image that I feel compelled to portray. Though this is all old news, I don't want to fill someone else's idea of 'cool'. Although I think the other primary drive which makes us do things has a great impact on me. Attraction to the opposite sex.
Most people seem to see me as the kind of person who goes out looking to pick up, perhaps I give that impression because I'm always trying to make other people. I am not like that. But still unless the subject in question looks like those whales in bikini's that walked past us at the beach today, (dear lord why wear a bikini *shudder*) then i feel compulsed to talk to them. I swear there is no thoughts going beyond a conversation with them but there is always that instinct (or concept drilled into us from birth, either way) that steers us towards certain people. Perhaps it is this very feeling within myself that makes me so 'protective' as I tend to be.
It's funny how one day you can feel so close to someone and the next day they are no longer within your "monkeysphere". Eg. While I was kinda seeing Rachel for that week or so, it was perfect. Then after that night when she ditched me for Trav, I havent said more than two words to her since. Why is that? It was agreed upon that we could still be freinds, but because of Trav, that couldnt happen. Oh well it's in the past.
What attracts us to total strangers that don't have any obvious physically attractive features? Why do we feel attracted to someone who we know isn't the reddest rose in the bunch, and has more than enough thorns? Well i'm not sure if others find this too, maybe I'm just weird. But more often than not, I find the people who wouldnt ever be seen on the cover of a magazine more attractive than those who would, from the moment you see their smile or eyes or even just the way they talk. Am i strange?
Why do I have no motivation when it comes to things I need to learn for uni, but when it comes to things that isn't examinable I could spend hours reading them? Why do I feel like I know everything then when results are published I find out I didnt.
My results were published today.
I just failed chemistry, how dissapointing. It's deserved I know, because I didn't even alocate an eighth of my ass to the subject but still, I knew if i didnt do anything about learning it I would have to do it again next year, how depressing. I got a little less for astrophysics than I was hoping for, but I can't expect much more than that based on effort also. Physics was about what I expected, I would have liked to do better but AC theory was awful. However, "how science works" the core subject which is totally useless... I didnt only pass, I passed with a credit. This subject I didn't attend any lectures. The case study (which i found out during the exam) was genetics in plants. Since it was multiple choice i just decided, "If i was a geneticist, what would I call it?" or if all else fails choose C. Yay chemistry again!
As I decide at least 7 times a year, I am going to get my life back on track and as I say around 3 of those times, "I mean it this time". I am going to start going to the gym as soon as I can find some kind of gym that i can afford. I am going to cut down on take-away. I am going to devote certain times during the week to study. I am going to get another job over the holidays to get some cash saved. I am going to lose weight. I am going to cut back on drinking.
This has got the be the longest (logical) blog I have posted in a long time.
Until next time I feel like self discovery, keep scrolling past everything i say...
I think it was worth it.
Not because it stopped the bullying, it didn't. Not because they got in shit and I think the guy with the ring got suspended. It was worth it because in the years to follow i've learnt than life is like that. Almost everyone is a dick. Everyone (myself included) makes others feel worse about themselves in order to gain some kind of praise amongst peers or to make them feel superior.
It seems I may have trailed off on a tangent far from where I started.
Perhaps it isn't as far off course as I thought. I think I perhaps feel the way I do because I feel like there is a certain image that I feel compelled to portray. Though this is all old news, I don't want to fill someone else's idea of 'cool'. Although I think the other primary drive which makes us do things has a great impact on me. Attraction to the opposite sex.
Most people seem to see me as the kind of person who goes out looking to pick up, perhaps I give that impression because I'm always trying to make other people. I am not like that. But still unless the subject in question looks like those whales in bikini's that walked past us at the beach today, (dear lord why wear a bikini *shudder*) then i feel compulsed to talk to them. I swear there is no thoughts going beyond a conversation with them but there is always that instinct (or concept drilled into us from birth, either way) that steers us towards certain people. Perhaps it is this very feeling within myself that makes me so 'protective' as I tend to be.
It's funny how one day you can feel so close to someone and the next day they are no longer within your "monkeysphere". Eg. While I was kinda seeing Rachel for that week or so, it was perfect. Then after that night when she ditched me for Trav, I havent said more than two words to her since. Why is that? It was agreed upon that we could still be freinds, but because of Trav, that couldnt happen. Oh well it's in the past.
What attracts us to total strangers that don't have any obvious physically attractive features? Why do we feel attracted to someone who we know isn't the reddest rose in the bunch, and has more than enough thorns? Well i'm not sure if others find this too, maybe I'm just weird. But more often than not, I find the people who wouldnt ever be seen on the cover of a magazine more attractive than those who would, from the moment you see their smile or eyes or even just the way they talk. Am i strange?
Why do I have no motivation when it comes to things I need to learn for uni, but when it comes to things that isn't examinable I could spend hours reading them? Why do I feel like I know everything then when results are published I find out I didnt.
My results were published today.
I just failed chemistry, how dissapointing. It's deserved I know, because I didn't even alocate an eighth of my ass to the subject but still, I knew if i didnt do anything about learning it I would have to do it again next year, how depressing. I got a little less for astrophysics than I was hoping for, but I can't expect much more than that based on effort also. Physics was about what I expected, I would have liked to do better but AC theory was awful. However, "how science works" the core subject which is totally useless... I didnt only pass, I passed with a credit. This subject I didn't attend any lectures. The case study (which i found out during the exam) was genetics in plants. Since it was multiple choice i just decided, "If i was a geneticist, what would I call it?" or if all else fails choose C. Yay chemistry again!
As I decide at least 7 times a year, I am going to get my life back on track and as I say around 3 of those times, "I mean it this time". I am going to start going to the gym as soon as I can find some kind of gym that i can afford. I am going to cut down on take-away. I am going to devote certain times during the week to study. I am going to get another job over the holidays to get some cash saved. I am going to lose weight. I am going to cut back on drinking.
This has got the be the longest (logical) blog I have posted in a long time.
Until next time I feel like self discovery, keep scrolling past everything i say...
posted by Steve at 3:45 PM
4 Comments:
Wow, MindSpeak™ from steve... hell must have frozen over again :P
But apart from being a smartass... here here.
"What attracts us to total strangers that don't have any obvious physically attractive features? Why do we feel attracted to someone who we know isn't the reddest rose in the bunch, and has more than enough thorns? Well i'm not sure if others find this too, maybe I'm just weird. But more often than not, I find the people who wouldnt ever be seen on the cover of a magazine more attractive than those who would, from the moment you see their smile or eyes or even just the way they talk. Am i strange?"
No, unless i am too :P So maybe u are :P
I agree with a lot of what ur saying, if not almost all of it. The only part i'd disagree with is "Everyone (myself included) makes others feel worse about themselves in order to gain some kind of praise amongst peers or to make them feel superior."
I really try not to do that and mostly i think i succeed. I hope i do anyway. But by the same token i think i'd be respected more if i did hurt ppl more, a lot of the time i feel like people think im just trying to get into ppls good books or woteva. The truth is i just hate seeing ppl hurt, especially those i care about. I dunno.
Anyway, nice job with that post, i like it.
i'd say you still do, but don't mean it... remember everyone you call a jerk or an asshole is a similar thing. I know i also try not to do it now, but i know i've upset some of the people lower than myself on the social ladder at school, because it kept me from being there too. In the so called real world it's alot easier not to be a jerk because you can chose your freinds a whole lot easier, you don't have to worry about what other people think since unless you want to see them again, you wont
(Y)
You beat me to it, I was gonna make one of these posts tomorrow.
I believe you can count me in on the strange group as well by that standard.
Anyways, good luck with trying to make some of those changes.
I think most people are like that really. Unless they're really shallow, people subconciously look for qualities beyond those of mere appearance when they look at people. We subconciously learn a lot about people from their body language and the way they speak, even if we don't think about it. I guess when we decide that they might have qualities we admire then we decide that we like them, even if we don't realise that's why we like them.
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